Kenshin's Dead, For Real This Time!
by Moony Da Remmy
Summary: Kenshin's keeps repeatly dieing, Kaoru's addicted to shiny things, Shishio's Kenshin's 1 stalker, and Sano's getting sucked in? 0.o Looky here! I made another chapter!
1. Kenshin's Dead For Real This Time!

Kohana: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my hermit crab Herman. (sniff)  
He died a few months ago. (sniff) It was sooooooooo sad! I had that thing  
for two years and it had to die! (cries) So please in your reviews pay your  
respects for Herman my hermit crab. Thank you.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own RK.  
  
Kenshin's Dead, For Real This Time!  
  
Announcer Person Dude: One day Kenshin was sitting happily doing his  
newfound profession, voodoo, when suddenly Yahiko burst in.  
  
Kenshin: (just finished making a voodoo doll of Kaoru.) Let her try  
hitting me with her bokken now...  
  
Yahiko: (bursts in) KENSHIN! I HAVE A QUESTION!  
  
Kenshin: And if I get it right will I get 1 million dollars?  
  
Yahiko: No...but you'll get an elephant!  
  
Kenshin: Okay! (takes a bottle of whiteout, drinks it, then listens.)  
  
Yahiko: How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?  
  
Kenshin: Sprint.  
  
Yahiko: What!? 0.o  
  
Kenshin: The answer is sprint. It takes sprint cups of sugar to get to the  
moon.  
  
Kaoru: (bursts in just as Kenshin says the word moon.) DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA  
MOOOOOOOOOOOON!? YOU MEAN DAT BIG SHINY BALL IN DA SKY!?  
  
Sanosuke: (jumps through the hole Kaoru just made.) WE MUST GO TO THIS  
SHINEY BALL THAT YOU SPEAK OF!  
  
Misao: (running after Sanosuke.) AND CONQUER IT!  
  
Hiko: (walks in calmly) Ah, the ball of cheese. Might go well with my sake.  
  
Kenshin: (talking in weird accent) But rocket ship we don't got!  
  
Misao: I've got that part covered. (winks.) BRING IT IN BOYS!  
  
Rocket Ship: (smashes through the wall.) (door opens slowly and reveals  
Aoshi and Saitou standing there.)  
  
Aoshi: I SEND YOU GREETING FROM MARS!  
  
Saitou: (stands there, lights another cigarette, and smirks.)  
  
Kaoru: (twitches.) Where did you get the nice *shiny* rocket ship?  
  
Saitou: (smirks.) We stole it.  
  
Aoshi: We didn't actually *steal* it. We're just borrowing it for awhile.  
  
Kaoru: Oh, okay!  
  
(silence.)  
  
Everybody: (suddenly starts doing a tribal dance around the rocket ship.)  
WE GOT A ROCKET SHIP AND WE'RE GONNA PAINT IT WITH SAITOU'S SHOES!  
  
Yahiko: (stops dancing) Wait! We can't do that!  
  
Everybody Else: WHY!  
  
Yahiko: Saitou's shoes are black!  
  
Everybody: (gasps.)  
  
Sanosuke: We have to spray them with pesticide! It's the only way we can  
save the nation!  
  
Kenshin: (shudders.) But what if Dracula and the flying pigs come?  
  
Sanosuke: That is a chance we'll just have to take!  
  
Everybody: (sprays Saitou's shoes with pesticide and starts painting the  
ship. It's a messy job but they get it done.) (stares at their work for  
awhile then hops inside the ship like frogs and bunnies.)  
  
Kenshin: (produces cups of sugar out of thin air.) Well, here it goes.  
(sets down the first cup of sugar.) One, two, three, four...  
  
*~One Million Years Later~*  
  
Kenshin: ....1,239,823,287! It takes 1,239,823,287 cups of sugar to get to  
the moon!  
  
Everybody: (awake from their slumber, throw off their fake beards, and do a  
merry dance around the room while impersonating Bugs Bunny.)  
  
Yahiko: (rummages through his pocket for something.) Here's your elephant  
Kenshin! (hands elephant to Kenshin.)  
  
Kenshin: Thanks Yahiko! (takes elephant and stuffs it in his pocket.)  
  
(weird noises are heard coming from the kitchen.  
  
Sanosuke: The noises..are sucking me in! (takes Saitou's sword and eats  
it.) Much better.  
  
Saitou: (punches Sano out then lights another cigarette.)  
  
Sanosuke: @_@  
  
Everybody except the limp body of Sanosuke: (slowly walk to the kitchen. On  
the floor are smashed remains of a cookie jar.)  
  
Misao: (starts clapping her hands to the beat of the chant.) Who stole the  
cookies from the cookie jar!  
  
Everybody: (also clapping their hands.) Hiko stole the cookies from the  
cookie jar!  
  
Hiko: (cookie crumbs are all over his face.) HOW DO YOU KNOW! I mean....no.  
  
Misao: Then who did...?  
  
(twilight zone music plays.)  
  
Kenshin: I am your father.  
  
Everybody: 0.0  
  
Kenshin: Sorry....  
  
Saitou: Butterflies are pretty.  
  
Everybody: 0.o  
  
Saitou: What? Can't I ever say how really feel!? (cries.) Nobody likes me!  
(runs away and goes to live with the mer-people.)  
  
Yahiko: (sniff.) He was such a good dog.  
  
Kaoru: Yup. (sniff.) He always did what he was told. Even if he didn't want  
to eat sun tan lotion. (sniff.)  
  
Everybody: (cries.)  
  
Misao: (stops crying.) HOLY COW! AOSHI, YOUR TRENCH COAT IS GONE!  
  
Aoshi: (looks around frantically.) Coaty-sama? Where are you?!  
  
Hiko: (has Aoshi's trench coat stuffed up his shirt.) I didn't take it. Nu  
uh. Wasn't me. Even if I did steal it when you were crying about Saitous  
loss you would notice it stuffed up my shirt.  
  
Misao: (starts clapping hand.) Who stole Aoshi's-  
  
Kenshin: WHOULD YOU QUIT IT!  
  
Misao: HOW *DARE* YOU SAY THAT TO ME! (bashes Kenshin on the head with a  
pogo-stick.)  
  
Kenshin: (is dead.)  
  
Kaoru: OH MY GOD! KENSHIN'S DEAD!  
  
Hiko: (nudges Kenshin with his foot.) 'Bought time my stupid apprentice  
died.  
  
Sano: (conscious again.) Kenshin's dead! Oh woe is the rabbit that lived in  
Kenshin's soul. It is now torn into tiny bite-sized pieces and it lives no  
more. (cries.)  
  
Yahiko: (pats Sano reassuringly on the back.) It's okay Sano. The bunny  
lived a long life.  
  
Sano: The germs...are sucking me in! (falls over unconscious.)  
  
Yahiko: 0.0  
  
Aoshi: So the Battousai is finally dead. YIPPEE! (river dances around the  
room.) COME DANCE WITH ME MISAO!  
  
Misao: (shrugs.) Okay! (river dances with Aoshi.)  
  
Shishio: (tiptoes in wearing a T-shirt that says: I am the #1 stalker of  
Rurouni Kenshin, steals Kenshin's sword, giggles to himself, and leaves.)  
  
Hiko: (singing in and off key voice.) LEAVES, LEAVES IT'S THE MAGICAL FRUIT  
OF THE CENTURY!  
  
Kenshin: Yes. Yes it is.  
  
Hiko: Y-your alive! 0.0  
  
Kaoru: KENSHIN! YOUR ALIVE! (hugs Kenshin really tightly.)  
  
Kenshin: 0.0' That's just a little to tight Miss Kaoru. (blows up.)  
  
Misao: Kenshin's dead!  
  
Yahiko: For real this time!  
  
Aoshi: YIPPEE! Again!  
  
Hiko: .....stupid apprentice.....  
  
Kenshin: IIIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMM BBBBBAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!  
  
Yahiko: For real this time!  
  
Aoshi: I've had enough of this! (kills Kenshin. Kenshin comes back to life  
again. Kills Kenshin. Kenshin comes back to life again. Kills Kenshin.  
Kenshin comes back to life again. Etc.  
  
Kenshin: (dies for the 1,264,387,938th time.)  
  
Misao: Kenshin's dead!  
  
Yahiko: For real this time!  
  
Kenshin: (comes back to life.)  
  
Aoshi: (panting.) I give up Battousai. You win.  
  
Everybody: YIPPEE!  
  
Enishi: (appears.) I WILL NOW EAT YOU BATTOUSAI!  
  
Kenshin: (smiles.) Okay. There's plenty to go around.  
  
Everybody: YAY! A FREE RUROUNI KENSHIN DISH! (all eat Kenshin.)  
  
Kaoru: OH NO! KENSHIN'S DE-Oh forget it. (stuffs socks in her mouth and  
does the limbo.)  
  
Aoshi: Finally I can go do my lifelong dream of being a fairy and give all  
the children happiness and joy because I can. (runs off to fulfill his  
lifelong dream.)  
  
Misao: AOSHI-SAMA! WAIT FOR  
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE(dies from the lack  
of air.)  
  
Hiko: o.o (face stays like that the whole day.)  
  
Yahiko: If up is down then what's back and forth? Then what's left and  
right? Is it angle? 90%? 0.o  
  
Sano: (is conscious again.) You people don't know how to defend the nation.  
(falls over.)  
  
The End  
  
Kohana: I hope you people liked it and sorry I was so pathetic up there. I  
really loved that hermit crab. (sniff) This is only a one-shot so don't  
expect more chapters.  
  
R&R!  
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V ^_^ Do it for the happy smiley face! 


	2. Your Invited to Johnny Depp's Funeral!

Kohana: Thank you. (sniff.) Thank you all for your gracious reviews!  
TISSUES FOR EVERYONE! (starts dancing and starts throwing rolled up tissues  
at very scared people walking in front of her house.) Why you ask? BECAUSE  
TISSUES ARE HEALTHY! You could also make paper mache Bakura hair out of  
them! Wait! Would you call it paper mache or tissue mache? Is there a  
difference? Am I throwing rocks at people instead of tissues and is that  
they're on the ground bleeding? WHO THE HECK AM I? I am Kohana Kamio all-  
powerful ruler of the world. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Kurama: Don't listen to her. She's insane!   
  
Kohana: Shut-up you fool! You will now feel the wrath of my fury as I open  
this bag of Fritos! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (trys but fails terribly and throws  
bag on the ground fumed.) THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF MY TORTURE!........or  
the end.........BUT IT'S STILL THE BEGINNING! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (flys away on  
a vacuum as Wizard of Oz music plays.)  
  
Kurama: 0.0;;;  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own RK or Johnny Depp but I do own his funeral!   
  
Chapter 2:Your Invited to Johnny Depp's Funeral!  
  
After awhile......  
  
Sano: (just suddenly gets up.) Hey you guys! Let's play tic tac EXPLOSION!  
It's the same game but you get to blow people up!  
  
Misao: Are they squishy?  
  
Sano: Yeah. When you blow them up.  
  
Misao: Yay! Let's play!   
  
(So the game started and many accidents occurred like Kenshin's hair  
catching on fire causing him to die again and blowing up Australia but who  
needed Australia anyway? Suddenly Yahiko realized something. He didn't need  
to stay here. He could leave right now if he wanted to. So he did. And he  
died from the lack of air. Nobody cared. So they just kept playing tic tac  
EXPLOSION! And blowing people up and other continents that nobody cared  
about and all was peaceful and happy. WRONG! The American Army was all  
like, "Why are these people blowing up Australia?" so they got the other  
American Army and they were all like, "This is wrong." Then they milked  
some cows and that's the end of that.)  
  
Kenshin: Looky me! I'm swimming in a river........of blood!  
  
Hiko: That's really unhealthy but it looks like sake so...........HOWDYDO!  
(starts drinking blood at a speeding rate.)  
  
Aoshi: (smashes through the wall with his laser gun.) I'M  
BAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK! And I brought friends!  
  
(they were black! woosh! they were white! woosh! they had polka-dotted  
ties! woosh! they were........THE BURNINATORS! Well no they were penguins but  
they were still.........THE BURNINATORS!)  
  
Kaoru: Aw! Their so cute! (reaches out to pet one.)  
  
Penguin #1: (blasts Kaoru's head off with laser gun.) Your head a splode.  
  
Sano: Hey you guys! Let's have a penguin party! With weapons......and ice  
cream.......and more weapons.........and weapons........shifty eyes.  
  
Aoshi: Yeah dude! That's like a totally excellent idea yo......yo.....yo!  
  
Hiko: Yo-yo! Where? (jumps out the spaceship window and.......um......swims back to  
earth tackles a kid takes his yo-yo and devours it. Then he just died.)  
  
Misao: (suddenly walks over to Kenshin.) I demand you do the tango with me!  
  
Kenshin: Sessha doesn't want to be doing that right now......  
  
Misao: Do it! OR I'LL DEVOUR YOUR BRAINS!  
  
Kenshin: 0.0 Yes master.........(starts impersonating plankton.)  
  
Johnny Depp: (smashes through the wall with many marshmallows behind him  
with machine guns.) People of Australia put your hands up! We are taking  
over the.......what the hell?  
  
Author: (quickly jumps into the story tackles Johnny Depp to the ground,  
takes a picture of him, makes him autograph it, gives him her phone number,  
hugs him quickly, and jumps back out of the story.)  
  
Kenshin: (now impersonating a guy that just fell into radio active waste.)  
I'm sorry but we are not Australia. (roars and eats a few chickens.)  
  
Misao: (doing the tango with a picnic table.) Hey! You're the guy in that  
kids show! You know that purple dinosaur!  
  
Johnny Depp: Um......no but.......FLORRENZA! Plug it in! Plug it in! Gateway.......  
  
Australian Guy: (suddenly appears out of nowhere.) Hey! Let's put some  
shrimp on the barbie!  
  
Johnny Depp and his marshmallow minions: TERRMINATE HIM! (starts shooting  
Australian guy with their machine guns.)  
  
Johnny Depp: (in weird robot voice.) Termination complete.  
  
Australian Guy: I thought I was your friend. (melts into a pile of goo.)  
  
Shishio: (suddenly appears and starts dancing like a mad cow.) Go go  
gobots! Transformer gobots! (disintegrates.)  
  
Kenshin: (impersonating a western cowboy with shiny boots.) Hey y'all! I'm  
a cowboy........with shiny boots!  
  
Misao: (poking Kenshin with a cucumber.) Don't make me use this!  
  
Sano: (pulling his hair out of an artichoke. How he can do it. Nobody  
knows. Maybe it's an ilu.........sion........sion.......sion......sion......sion........! Or maybe  
we're all insane but it's still an  
illu.......sion........sion.......sion.......sion.......sion! Is there an echo in here or am I  
just nuts? 0.o.)  
  
Aoshi: (ramming his head into random things.) Where. Are. They. Where are  
my marbles! I'VE LOST MY MARBLES!  
  
Soujiro: (jumps out of Johnny Depp's ear.) Looky here! I've got a  
radioactive man-eating sponge cake!  
  
Radio Active Man-eating Sponge Cake:  
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Everyone: YIPPEE! (pushes Johnny Depp into the sponge-cake.)  
  
Johnny Depp: ARRRRGH! (drowns.)  
  
Misao: Um.......didn't we just kill an innocent person?  
  
Kenshin: Nonsense! We just got over-excited and _accidentally_ pushed him  
into the sponge cake.  
  
Sano: Well.......shouldn't we have a proper burial for the guy?  
  
Aoshi: (dressed in a nun costume.) Yes child. Every person deserves a  
proper burial.  
  
Everyone: 0.o  
  
Aoshi: What?! These are my pajamas!  
  
Soujiro: Okay.......let's start this thing!  
  
(so they started to prepare for Johnny Depp's funeral. I know for I was  
there. I was the Russian solider with the curly black mustache. Anywho  
here's how it went.)  
  
Misao: Do we have anything proper to dress him in? Like a tuxedo or a tie?  
  
Soujiro: We have this purple dress and red high heels!   
  
Misao: It will do. (takes it from Soujiro.)  
  
Sano: (carving Johnny Depp's gravestone.) Damn. I spelled his name wrong.  
(the gravestone reads: Jonhey Depp.)  
  
Kenshin: Give it to me! I can fix it! (crosses out Jonhey and above it  
writes Jeff.)  
  
Sano: That's not an improvement!  
  
Kenshin: I didn't do it! They did! Don't you get it! I have people inside  
my head! grabs Sano by the shoulders. _They tell me things!_ (runs away  
screaming.)  
  
Sano: 0.0  
  
In Mexico  
  
Aoshi: (is digging Joh-I mean Jeff Depp's grave but ended up all the way in  
Mexico.) To-to. We're not in Kansas anymore.  
  
Some dog he stole from a girl in a blue and white checkered dress: Woof.  
  
Mexican Person: Aloha Senior!  
  
Aoshi: NO! I WILL NEVER JOIN YOUR LEPRECON SCOUTS YOU FIEND!  
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
(jumps on a mexican hat, does a dance, and flies back to the spaceship.)  
  
Back at the Spaceship  
  
Misao: Are we ready to put him in his grave now?  
  
Kenshin: (is now fully recovered.) Ewwwww! I'm not touching that dead body!  
It's contaminated!  
  
Sano: (heroic music plays.) I'll take care of that for you! (takes a chain  
saw, cuts Jeff Depp in half, and kicks him into the grave.)  
  
Soujiro: Um......here are the flowers. (holds up a bottle of gas, a lighted  
match, and three cigars.)  
  
Everyone: (takes one.)  
  
Aoshi: Any last words?  
  
Misao: I'll go first. (clears throat.) Even though we didn't really know  
you long, purple dinosaur, I still like your show an-  
  
Sano: Er......Misao.......he was in that pirates movie.  
  
Misao: Oh. Well goodbye Mr. Purple Dinosaur Pirate. I knew ye. (sets down  
cigar by Jeff's grave.)  
  
Aoshi: You wanted to blow up Australia and that's enough for me. (sets  
other cigar by Jeff's grave.)  
  
Soujiro: I'm really sorry it had to turn out this way. I mean we were  
suppose to eat the cake before it ate us. Anyway.......er.......bye. (places third  
cigar by Jeff's grave.)  
  
Kenshin: Sorry you didn't get to fulfil your dreams of blowing up  
Australia. Farewell. (places bottle of gas near Jeff's grave.)  
  
Sano: I don't have anything to say so farewell marshmallow man. (places  
lighted match my Jeff's grave.)  
  
Grave: (lights on fire.)  
  
Everyone: 0.0 (backs away slowly.)  
  
Misao: Um.......at least he got cremated.  
  
(So everybody after awhile forgot about the sponge cake incident and all  
went on with their lives. Everybody came back to life except Yahiko. gets  
Marik-y voice. You will never free yourself Yahiko!)  
  
And everyone was happy........except for Australia........  
  
To Be Continued!  
  
Author/Kohana: Um......now that Yahiko is like dead we need a replacement for  
him. So Soujiro will now be playing the part.  
  
Soujiro: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- wait. Then who will be me?  
  
Kohana: The log of course. He is a professional actor you know. Other then  
that cookie who was a substitute actor in another fic but we had some  
complications with him........(shifty eyes.)  
  
Soujiro: What kind of complications?  
  
Kohana: (sighs.) I ate him.  
  
Soujiro: You ate the substitute?!  
  
Kohana: HEY! I WAS HUNGRY!  
  
Soujiro: Well that doesn't mean you eat him!  
  
Kohana: Well to bad for him!  
  
R&R!  
  
Soujiro: Please read and review for the long lost soul of our substitute  
actor that Kohana ate. It was a good cookie. Please do this...........for me! 


End file.
